We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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