oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
