I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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