I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
