this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
