dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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