I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
