I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
