Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
