my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
