So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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