if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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