i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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