i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
