I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Text me some of your sweat
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
