He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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