I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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