my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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