Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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