found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
