dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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