I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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