im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
