I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
