just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is Oprah even human
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
