I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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