I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
