Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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