my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
