You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
