Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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