lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
