Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
two words...techno handjob
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
