just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
