when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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