I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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