So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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