My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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