My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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