god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
