so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
