I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
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No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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