The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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