Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
