I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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