thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
