I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Someone signed my nipple.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
