Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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