I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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