I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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