Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
