Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
