I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
