I accidentally burped into my bong.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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