I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Randomize
