So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
