I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
