she was so not down for the gang bang
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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