tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
