Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
